I'm a web developer/sysadmin/host (NERD TRIPLE THREAT!) and this is my attempt to write about...leaving the house. Sometimes. Like, to go backpacking. And take some pictures. And justify spending the money on all the gear WHY SO MUCH?!?

So check back weekly for all the smrt missives! And the dumb tweets!

Also hiking things!

Feel free to write and complain.

like grains of sand
17 October 2018

Thanks for giving me the stars.

and down
19 September 2018

Smokey and the Bandit was a 1977 feature film that was Not Star Wars. It was a sober (!) meditation on many of American society's ills at her bicentennial. Some of the topics covered were

1) Alcohol abuse

I'm with MacGruff here. This is a fucking crime.

2) Seatbelts

It was a different time.

3) Police fitness for duty

Some things are timeless.

4) American cars and cornering

Some things are timeless.

5) Trolls

It was a diff--............

6) Racism


8) Mustaches

It was a different time.

9) Class warfare

A malignant narcissist with a dipshit son this is quite the leap of the imagination in the year-of-our-lord 2018

10) The peak of American masculinity and attractiveness


eulogy, for reals
26 August 2018

This is the man who raised me.

Not pictured: me

This is the man who loved me.

I didn't have them at the same time, but I got them both eventually.

it goes to
22 August 2018

Ocean's 11 was a movie made in 1960 about the GI Bill. For some reason it starred a bunch of singers and entertainers and......Peter Lawford?

Dress for the job you want

Frank SInatra plays the partial title character of Danny 11, a washed up sweater model who is longing for the action of opening and closing doors in a building.

Dress for the job you have

Dean Martin plays Dean Martin's mother and you just know he's hitting that HARD

They cause what now?

The plot revolves around the wacky hijinks these wonderful scamps get up to on their way to a funeral


All told, this movie was quite the flight of fancy because there is actually no possible way a casino could ever lose money.

I give this film 6 pinky rings.

Odds are only one of us goes down for this....

know yourself
1 August 2018

Recently I watched an educational filmstrip about insurance adjusting called "The Thomas Crown Affair". It plays as a metaphor for how hard it was in the olden days to get by on just four (4!) millions.

He is totally innocent -- rich people have no reason to steal.

The heroes of this teleplay really are the hard working men who came together against a few odds (fucking Erwin) and got the job done. IT'S CALLED TEAMWORK PEOPLE.


The film also sounds a cautionary note about climate change and not paying for an architect.


Why she didn't end up cutting a bitch I will never know. DON'T PUT YOUR LABELS ON ME, EDDIE.

It must be Sadie Hawkin's Day 'cause she's gonna molest the f@ck outta that bishop...

...told you.

I give this presentation 5 tank engines.

25 July 2018

Yes, crows ARE "Halloween eagles". 

lactose intolerant
18 July 2018

The Night of the Hunter was a Back-When-America-Was-Great-Again documentary about owls. It stars The Cologne Guy and the mother from Silence of the Hams.

Watch your kerning.

I know, how do you have starring roles in a documentary that is ridiculous because HOLLLYWOOD THAT'S WHY STAR SYSTEM!

A sub plot is about the trials and tribulations of


an itinerant preacher who is just as qualified as Franklin Graham to pontificate on what the bearded sky man wants or doesn't want for anyone.

two corinthians, bitches

There was also something about ice cream? A shop of some kind? Also: labor laws and why we need unions.

Incarnate Evil (left), and the Reverend Harry Powell (right)

Not pictured: any discussion of comprehensive sex education.


I give this movie 3.14 Them Apples

withering heights
25 April 2018

Vertigo was a 1958 After School Special about the Dangers of Laziness. It was originally titled "It's a Wonderful Ledge", but that was deemed too on-the-nose.

This is some heavy foreshadowing....COCK-EYED TITS ON THE HORIZON

This is definitely Midge's movie. She had JohnnieO pegged as a lazy-ass dope from the jump (that may be in bad taste but I'll allow it). I don't know what the prescription on those glasses is, but she sees through him like a household glass hole (you know, for light). (WINDOW that's the word. Household glass WINDOW).

Drafting table....glasses....wry sarcI'M NOT HOT IN HERE YOU'RE HOT IN HERE

This movie also has meaning for our Very Important Modern Times. Old-timey James Comey made sure we all knew how bad Johnnie was at...any job, really. He couldn't keep up with a flat foot cop with a massive gunbelt or a blonde in 3 inch heels running up stairs. He also had the curiousity and intellectual rigor of a bag of wet turnips.


And evidently doctors would talk to anyone about anything. Here is Dr Frank HIPAA (no relation) realizing that Midge knows more about the human condition than his blue shirt ever will.

At least everything worked out in the end.

You're cured!

And Midge? She went on to found the Blue Moon Detective Agency and solve a few crimes and NEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH OVERWROUGHT MAN-BABIES EVER AGAIN!